X-ray vision, super-human strength,
and the ability to fly. Any of these abilities would be fantastic to have. But what
if fate was cruel and gave me the most useless power in all of superdom
history? Let’s take a quick look at some of the less impressive ingenuities and
amazingly mundane marvels that our alternate universe has to offer!
Here’s
a list of my top 20 best of the worst abilities:
1)
Change your eye color at will.
2) Never
sick on a workday.
3) Summon a pack of rabid
squirrels.
4) Find something interesting
on TV at any time.
5) Shrink or grow one inch for
two minutes.
6) Put on wrinkled clothes and make them pressed.
7) Always have proper change.
8) Remember the lyrics to every
Yoko Ono song.
9) Rewind VCR tapes with your
mind.
10) All people within eight feet
of you smell like fish.
11) Transform into an exact
replica of yourself.
12) Touch any car and know its
fluid levels.
13) Be able to sort socks in
complete darkness.
14) Know the exact contents of
any box by simply shaking it.
15) Always come in first in any
potato sack race.
16) Immediately know the thread
count of any linen.
17) Bend the will of Sea
Monkey’s to do your bidding.
18) Read the minds of anyone under
the age of three months.
19) Sweat gravy.
20) Involuntary flight.
I believe the most tragic of
all the abilities would be sweating gravy. Besides the obvious reasons, such as
the incredibly large dry cleaning bills and my dog licking my forehead while I
was trying to sleep, would be the underlining conundrum: what if it was really
delicious gravy? What if I opened up a restaurant and it flourished because of
my award winning gravy? How would I keep the origin of my piquant perspiration
private? I guess you’ll have to wait till next week’s episode!
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